Okay ONE MORE...

I guess what I am thinking is What if God wanted me to show the world that LOVE has no bounderies...Love is simply Love and NO one can set a typical standard to heart racing...Only GOOD producing LOVE! Love that bring out the best in both parties is soooo HARD to Find. What if I was kinda meant to prove that to the world? Book coming out soon :)

Too FUNNY!!

Once I copied and pasted it was over...NO IDEA how to take the highlighter off my font!! POOPIE!!

So...anyways...Great night so far. With my babies...work was good...watched the rest of a good show and now my present. We will have to see if I can talk him into the latest episode of American Horror Story!! My favorite!! Jessica Lange is AMAZING...one of my all time favorites is Sweet Dreams !! So GOOD!!

Oh and might I say I will be just fine with Joel as my best friend. I will...promise. I have been through enough already so now what is this? Falling in love with a gay man? and having him 70% fall in love with you??!! Whatever I say...Not even remotely cool. I deserve to have someone love me 162%!! LOL I will be fine...We will see what transpires with this Justin guy. The one he was like, "See I told you I was gay!" Really??? God must have wanted my feelings to separate from Joel or he would not have this guys bringing Joel chocolates and coffee at work every other day!!! TOO FUNNY!! How do I compete with that when I would NEVER do something like that...let alone a penis and a hairy ass (well that might be half true...lol just ask my mom HAHAHA). He is my first soul mate though and I only can wish to share my life with someone I cherish and get along with as much as I do Joel. Maybe it's sex for Christmas...I ALWAYS SHAVE JUST IN CASE!!! HAHAHAHA Stephanie!!! Not Going to HAPPEN!!!

I also got to find a house. For me and the girls. I need to tell Sammy and Sayler about what is going on! I don't want to break their hearts but I know the three of us together are an Amazing bunch lol We will do WONDERFUL things and LAUGH one million times. My children will be non judgmental, overly loving, and kind. FIND house soon!! COZY and EASY!!

Thank you world. Hope you are all cozy!!

No Part 2...That is still on going LOL

Just finished up a movie on netflix...No Strings Attached, Cute. There was a quote in there that I just loved, "We don't pick who we fall in love with...and it never happens as it should." LOL PERFECT!!!

Just opened my office window here in good old Spokane and there it was. I opened my window because it is snowing (for like only the second time so far..weird) anyways I open it because it is beautiful and there it is. The most beautiful lite up cross right outside my window. Oh how I needed that. How beautiful. I also have one visable from my back deck...a church. I get mad because in the summer I can't see it...have been tempted more than a few times to put a note in the neighbors box..."Please trim your tree...please..it blocks my view of the cross." I am sooo afraid now days someone would get angry! Perhaps one day I will. Very Nicely of course. Anyways...this is a Christmas decoration but HUGE!!! LOVE IT!

Joel is coming over at 10:30. He is bringing me my Christmas presesnt. Which he didn't have to do!!! Here is my post from Joel regarding his...I had posted Wintersong by Sarah Mclachlan ...This is one of my favorite Christmas songs Stephie. Thanks for posting and you are too sweet with your little message in the snow. Also, you rock on the gift, I'm listening to it right now!! Much love and hugs on this Christmas day! =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!! and THANK YOU!!! xooxox My angel reading was perfect!! Francesca is always there (so I know it's legit..pull it every time..CRAZY) and Maya (writing) and Fiona (begging for Help!!) All the colors of the cards where also BLUE!!

A Thousand Years..Christmas 2011 Part 1

A Thousand Years this Christmas.

I feel as if I have walked a thousand years. Yet, I am on the brink a new beginning. As Florence would say, "It's always Darker before the Dawn." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCWnVznnWcs I am on the edge, I am almost there...The Dawn. Why do I feel so close yet so far away? This Christmas day I was without my children. I woke up in a massively sleep deprived state. Stayed up until 2 wrapping their bikes and trying to attempt perfect stockings. Children are Beautiful!

I woke up to Sayler waking the girls up. So cute, "sissy's I think Santa came..." Oh Say Say you are such a silly wonderful beautiful child. Anyways...beautiful hour and then because of work (8 hours in two days) I have to sleep. I am very much a zombie woman.

Andrew gets them ready in a hurried crabby state this morning and takes them to his moms. I am hoping and praying that my girls are okay. They have yet not asked any questions about why we are not around each other...let alone our families. Looks like that talk is just around the corner. Oh and p.s. I cannot wait to get into Andrews mother. Ladies...DO NOT ever marry someone who's mom is judgmental and heavy set. She will not want to even see your kids until you are separated from her son...and she has 5 sisters who are just as judgmental and down right hurtful. She got her way...pisses me off in a way. But I don't want to be around that in the first place. People I have really tried to love that woman and everyone knows...I tried and my motto is..."What would Jesus do?" and "People deserve loving the most when they deserve it the least!!!" Thanks mom for the morals :) even if they can be damn right irritating. LOL

Okay back on subject...so here I am getting ready to move in 1 month with my girls...scared as hell and yet never been more happy in years!! I could care less if I was single and 56...I would still be happy because I am a POSITIVE PERSON!! I always try to trust! I have know idea what miracles God has in store for me but I know there are some :) and I AM EXCITED!! Candles, Wine, Children, Red, Purple, Brown, Sammy's homework, Sayler's smiles and of course don't' forget...Momma's little boy LOL Bosley (my very handsome puggle).

Okay...so kids are gone. It's me and Bosley. Quiet time. Quiet time to have this be the first time. The first time not to have my kids on Christmas and sick over Joel. Friend or Not. My best friend. I have not heard from him ALL day today (CHRISTMAS)or yesterday. I also left him his special present on his back deck. I want nothing in return...if I can find a meaningful gift that I can afford then I will by it. If it means nothing then...there is no need for a gift at all nor hurt feelings. Just love....and Joel to me...well lets just say he holds a very special place in my heart. Life is good when we are together. My first non sexual relationship and the best one yet! It has become so powerful!

Anyways...I leave the gift...I still haven't even gotten a Merry Christmas. I am just sick. This Christmas is hard enough...NOW THIS!!! Really?? I am just beside myself. Didn't help that he posted this yesterday on his page. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIdjEzZGdVI&feature=share Mind you, he has been on two dates with a man. After the second he says something like, "See, told you I was gay...he smelled like a man and tasted like a man." I say, "Okay Joel..Spaz...Great!" The guy drives me loco! He then tell me the man wants to be exclusive sexually. I am okay with that too. Then the next day he posts the song and makes no attempt to contact me whatsoever...I am really confused. No...Merry Christmas!! NOTHING! Really?? LILLY??? Being that Joel is my best friend we Text and Talk Alot..which is FUN!

It's either he thinks or doesn't want to talk to me because of the other guy. Whatever...Tell me. But how hurtful..You said...right before your first date not to worry because I would always be your number #1. Joel...I love you more than anything and you know that. It is not fair...I can stand our first 3 day stretch on a normal day but Christmas? What is the meaning behind this?Or it could simply mean something else...and once again just call me Crazy (yeah Joel, i will take all the blame lol).

Okay...transitioning. Writing defiantly helped...I can listened to the song one more time and move forward. I also sent Joel a email and called him an asshole for posting it!! Really the day before Christmas...then no call!! JJJJJOOOOEEELLL!! So PISSED!! lol kinda of.

OMGosh...I almost forgot..right before I wrote this and was doing my angel cards I had something kinda groovy happen. I had a facebook window open on Joels page listening to that horrific beautiful song LOL and I saw an instant message popped up!! It said Joel "Edward" Hughes. I was like...what? Then I looked and it was my friend Edward talking to me out of the blue! Edward is Joels middle name? and Lots' of 4's and 8's for the last 9 months!! 4:48 pm etc....weird!

Really...My life is so COMPLICATED!!!

Okay so where in the heck do I begin!! My husband drives me nuts and this is not a joke at all...so selfish (and when it comes to watching Vampire Diaries in from of my little girls..whom then have nightmares not cool-o-). Anyways...things have not gone so well...I would actually say since right before Sammy was sick (his mean mother created most of it).

Then there is my old boss whom happens to be gay (still work for same company which is fun)he has been my BF for over a year...more so in the last 9 months. I always saw him as just gay and a friend until I saw this look in his eyes. Yes, we were both drinking. But I promise you the look has not gone away. Perhaps it is just me but there are the little things.

We did have a massively awsome quicky and afterwards he was like, "OMGawdd...I liked it, NO I am gay, OMGAWDD I really liked it NO I am gay!!!" WHAT???!!!

Anyways

time moves on and I feel I have more and more in common with this lovely person/soul (oh, I transferred stores and he is no longer my cosmetics boss).

He just makes me smile. He used to let me sleep in his bed or hot-tub with him and now for the last 7 months...NOTHING. He jokes constantly that I don't want to have sex with him anymore but the reality is I am PLAYING a game to see how he reacts. He goes to gay clubs and calls me...nonstop and acted massively strange when I lied and said I was going on a date (LAUGHED HARD the whole way home). Keep in mind these are only lies because I am quite spiritual and I feel something completely different with him, that is why I tease to find out if I am NOT going just plain CRAZY. I feel as if his heart is very messed up with mine.

Last week I tell him I want to spend Thanksgiving with him and my children (I have NEVER wanted a QUIET THANKSGIVING...My family is beyond close) he goes back and fourth between "Yes, I have made Thanksgiving before...we can have a few drinks...how fun," to "I have to go to my moms." Then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I have put a spell on him and sometimes he sits at home and thinks..."I am straight, I am gay." He teases and has said I have ruined his life, in a jokingly manner but I am still like, "What??" I need HONESTY!

Then Last Friday he goes on this long conversation about how he just can't have sex with me and that we can never be a complete relationship. I think, "Well sweetheart it has been 7 months from the time you have slept with me and you are forgetting about it now." "Keep telling me I cannot spend the night!!!??" This all seems so scared-y cat like. He is afraid. I guess I feel like he is a ping ball about me. I can see it. His words...The spraying men's cologne on me and saying.."Your not a girl!" I think, "keep telling yourself that sweetheart!" He LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM sooo UNCONDITIONALLY.....What is the stinking probblem?

Is is possible to be gay all your life (YES, I TOOK A 32 year old MAN's VIRGINITY!!!!!) and then one day fall IN LOVE with someone. By IN LOVE I mean... solely someone to laugh with and appreciate every single day with? Or am I seriously going nuts!!!! I do however really want to experience sex with him again... I think that would make a definite decision, why is he soooo scared???

Andrew and I are still living together based on the fact we went into a downward spiral due to hospital bills...he is constantly on, Are YOU Interested on Facebook (sad thing is, It does not even upset me, except for the fact I am a 32 year old woman and I have not had sex since EARLY JULY!!!!!!)lol

I will fill you in more constantly..promise. xoxoxoxo

Oh pictures are me...LOL and Joel (yes, the gay BF...with our parents at the Brandi Carlile Concert) I could write another story about how Joel was ALL over me during some of the songs...LOL

Oh and crap...starting to sound like Gramma Mowbray..."One More Thing" We have entered to go see Florence and The Machine from a local radio station( 103.1 Spokane, WA)...GOOD VIBES PLEASE, SHE IS MY FAVORITE!!! Anyways, Joel and I are just going to win it, we have to escape together!! He texts me tonight...song 7 on Ceremonials is his favorite (Florence and The Machine)...Ummmm....listen to the words. I swear the divine is intertwined on this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoXzDuNPGR8

Okay...so last week I am bothered by seeing and hearing 9/11 constantly. Everything I bought costed me $9.11 and everytime I looked at the clock 9:11. Just too strange, I was worried and I let my husband know and my best friends.

Well now today I am tinkering around on the Internet and I see all this crazy information on that beautiful little girl that was shot in the tragic shooting yesterday in Arizona. There are pages and pages of information on how she lived amongst these same two crazy numbers.
She was born on 9/11, she was 9 when she passed, her first name is 9 letters while her middle and last together make 11 letters and her brother is 11 years old.

Just too out of the ordinary. I was going to look up all that info on the birds falling from the sky and dead fish (I keep hearing people taking about it) and now perhaps I am just a little too scared.

I read something also online today that was heartbreaking...under a rant and rave on craigslist.com someone writes..."We are a capitalist society...NOT a place for Charity Cases...Vote Obama OUT!"

This is exactly what is wrong. A government should not have to tell us where to put our money...we should just be getting what we need and giving the rest. Only because we can...money does not create love...kindness creates love.

Tonight I was outside and saw a woman walking in the snow with a friend. She was talking about money and had a few bags in her hands. My mind scrambled and I thought for a moment. I bet there is a woman out there with NO loving family, past due rent, and a recently lost source of income. She has children...I could only imagine the fear in her eyes walking threw the snow... child's hand held tight and nowhere to go. My heart aches for this person's luck (it's all luck...no one person is better than another) and if I had money I would help, there would be no complaining.

sleep snug xoxoxoox